Taming the Tiger: Strategies for Leaders Facing Difficult Conversations
You never know when a difficult conversation might arise! Are you ready?
Difficult conversations are inevitable. Whether it's delivering critical feedback, navigating conflicts, or discussing sensitive issues, they can trigger a surge of fear, stress, and anxiety. They can make even the most seasoned leaders falter.
This was the case the day that a colleague of mine “lost it” with some difficult associates in a national board-level strategy session. “You’re $#$ irritating,” were his precise words.
That was like dropping a tiger among the pigeons. The irony was that everyone tacitly agreed that these associates were indeed being petty and off-topic and wasting precious time. Here’s what my colleague said:
Suddenly I had to step in, calm it down, and get the meeting back on track. I called on my chairperson rights immediately, injected a bit of calming humor, and then asked, “What if we could rewind this moment and redo it?”
In that instance, I managed to turn the conversation into an ad-hoc creative-thinking session using powerful questions that opened up discussions around how better to handle situations like this in future and allowed everyone to accept where they had contributed to the problem, while at the same time injecting some calm.
But it could easily have gone the other way if I was less experienced at managing myself or others.
Before you know it, a difficult conversation could have you feeling emotional, shaky, attacked, or edgy. So, how can we handle tough conversations with a lot more confidence?
The Power of Self-Awareness
1. Identify Your Personal Triggers: Know what specifically triggers your fear or anxiety in difficult conversations. Is it the fear of confrontation, concern about damaging relationships, or worry about your performance? Learn to recognize and manage your reactions.
2. Monitor Your Emotions: Pay attention to your emotional state before, during, and after difficult conversations. Notice physical signs of stress such as a racing heart or sweaty palms. By acknowledging these feelings, you can manage them more effectively.
3. Reflect on Past Experiences: Reflect on previous difficult conversations. What went well? What didn’t? Use these reflections to identify patterns in your behavior and areas for improvement. Learning from past experiences can provide valuable insights for future interactions.
Strategies for Taming the Tiger
There are several ways to manage difficult moments:
Observe but don’t evaluate – yet!
Describe the specific actions or behaviors you have noticed. For example: Instead of saying, “You are always late,” say, “I noticed that you arrived 15 minutes late to our last few meetings.”
Use humor or storytelling to lighten the mood, calm things fast, and redirect thinking. Have a few catch-all phrases or stories ready.
Identify the top needs – your and theirs. Let them help. This helps to clarify what is important to all and sets the stage for finding a mutually satisfactory solution.
Ask questions: Encourage the other person to elaborate by asking open-ended questions.
Validate emotions: Acknowledge and validate their feelings without judgment.
Show enthusiasm: Respond with genuine interest and positive reinforcement where possible.
Make specific requests: Ask for specific actions that can help meet your needs. Ensure that your requests are clear, actionable, and achievable.
The best book on this topic is the classic Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High.
Facing difficult conversations is a formidable challenge for any leader.
And every difficult conversation is an opportunity to grow as a leader and build stronger, more resilient relationships.
What difficult conversations have you recently experienced and how did you manage them?
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Until next time.
Mike
